you were fool enough to love it when he said "i want you"
A gift was given to wanting parents at the start of a cold November. Lazy from the very beginning, the boy jotted down as Audrey Choi in the warm rooms of Saint Paul's Hospital on a cold Saskatoon day made his parents wait until night had already begun to fall to even greet them properly. Until then it'd been a lot of fussing and pushing with nothing coming out, a birth that wasn't difficult or stressful but tiring all the same, especially with their four year old outside in hallways as Papa Choi had to run in and out of the room for bother mother and child.
The first few years were simple and routine. A bouncing bundle of joy, the kind that made too much noise some days but brought over toys to strangers as a welcoming to make up for it. The earliest memories that he has are fickle: chasing a dragonfly in a yard he doesn't recall, the red tiling of a roof across the street, the vegetable garden of a neighbor who spoke neither French nor English. The first solid memory is his naming. After a flight he hardly recalls, the family was in Busan with Kim Hye-Ja who, the boys learned, was their grandmother. As the only living grandparent on either side of the family she was important, a structure they had to stick by and it was by her decree that they found themselves with names that did not match: Joonmyeon (handsome and hardworking) and Minki (cleverness and energy). Audrey became a thing Minki only knew in Saskatoon with friends, their nicknames rolling off the tongue every which was. Mink was his name, for the most part; it existed in all his strongest memories, every summer he got to return to Busan to visit with Hyeja.
It was always different for Darren and Audrey; Darren came home from school and did his class work and his chores while Audrey tended to end up getting lost moving from the bus on the corner to their house. Darren played hockey and Audrey, well, he tried and got kicked off the team for breaking the stick against some children in a fight. The only times he behaved properly and accordingly were in Busan. Choi Minki, to everyone, was a completely different child from Choi Audrey. When Rey realized he was gay it was Minki who came out to his grandmother, first, choosing to reveal it to his parents over a phone call. When Rey started to get bullied and locked himself in his bedroom to play video games, it was Minki who was able to still go on hikes in Busan and run through the beach and all its waters. So it came as no surprise when Canada was to be traded out for Korea once high school was over; his parents didn't even bother to argue against the move when they figured maybe it would mean a motivation for their child who otherwise had little going for him besides selfish interests.
They were right, although not in the way they wanted to be.
League of Legends was taking off and while Darrin was off figuring out what field of study he wanted to get into with medicine, Audrey was glued to his computer screen learning the game and, when in Busan later, watching the first World Cup Finals. It was a whole new experience then, freshly graduated, sixteen years of age and thrilled by the energy he could find in gaming cafes and on the internet together. Most of the year, that which wasn't spent graduating and moving to Busan, was spent playing the game and making friends within it. As tough as Hye-Ja could be, a woman who beat left handed young Minki until he was ambidextrous on his trips as a child, she accepted it; he could play his game as long as he liked as long as he worked. And that, that he could do, having already worked at the Cineplex back in Saskatoon. Things were like that, simple enough, an even exchange and because of it Minki adored her far more than he could have his own parents back home.
When he began to grow his hair out and start to dress more effeminate, Hye-Ja had simple remarks: your life is going to be tough like this, so be prepared. When he'd try contacts and nail paint, she'd critique his choices only so far — simple colors are better, reds are for loose women. Without it, Minki never would have been able to end up where he did. It was early 2012 when he was first contacted by the team Maximum Impact Gaming. In search for recruits for a training team for their professional teams they looked for the high ranking members rising the charts hard and fast. Minki, going by Ren as a small nod to his old Rey nickname and his new affection of being a flower boy, joined. It wasn't going to be great paying work but it was work doing something he was anyway and that was great, outside of helping at the market nearby. But MIG Blaze, as the squad was known, weren't there to be quiet. Instead, they worked hard and were eventually bought up off training by a German media group and came to be known by a new moniker: Azubu Blaze. As a team, 2012 became a standout year, winning the MLG Summer Arena, scoring second place in the Korea Regional Finals and some members being contacted by bigger companies. Minki chose to go another way, making his own team for fun named 5CM A Second to play around more with the game.
And there was only one reason for that: Shin Hyosub. They'd met when Minki was having to do a stay in Seoul to build the team together in the gaming house. It was happenstance, really, running into one another literally with Hyosub apologizing to the pretty girl with blonde hair before Minki turned to face him head on with a laugh. They talked, then, Minki cowering just a little with worry of some Seoul boy being violent and his not having a hockey stick to beat him off with but Hyosub was nice, instead. Nice enough that they ended up sitting in the parking lot sipping on slushies and talking long past midnight. The friendship bloomed with Minki using any spare time in Seoul to visit Hyosub and Hyosub — Hyosub even came down to visit Busan, staying with Minki and his grandmother as they laughed and motivated one another. Have more fun, he'd say, it's a game; have more faith in yourself, Minki would say, your music is great. It was surprise and not when the day came that Hyosub and Minki drank together and Minki ended up in his lap.
But it was pure surprise when the next morning when Minki tried to play it off for Hyosub's sake that Hyosub demanded they speak about it, they discuss what this could be. Dating was a slow pace, an awkward thing, but it became easier when Minki was drafted into SKT1 once his 5CM team was bought up and the franchise was dismembered. He had enough money to move to get himself a place in Seoul and he did so; the gaming house was great with everyone else but the small apartment with Hyosub, that was home. They furnished it slowly and stupidly, falling into love with one another at their own pace. Minki's parents were annoyed back home but when his first winnings for the year came in, a cool few thousand dollars, they started to accept it for now. Teenagers had worse jobs that paid far less, anyway. He was allowed to have his fun and his odd romance. And Minki wouldn't have stopped even if they tried to make him, anyway.
In the end, it was for the best; SKT1 went from one of the top teams in Korea, losing a few tournaments in the Spring and Summer drafts, to promoting Minki to team leader and becoming the World Champions in November of the same year with Minki winning Best Support at the 2013 Korean e-Sports Awards. It is still odd how it happened and Minki, he hardly remembers it. The weight of the trophy, the shake of his fingers, the way that Hyosub had taken him that night and everything felt right. Then, it all began to crumble. Hyosub wanted a break from things to focus on his career and Minki came to find out that father had been sick for a while and no one had bothered to actually tell him. When he wound up in the hospital, Minki was woken from his sleep, alarmed and disengaged in Busan all over again. Before Minki could even get proper flights looked at to get back home the second call came in: he was dead and they couldn't get his heart going again. Minki flew home with Hye-Ja for the funeral which, in the end, became a mistake. Justine lost it on Minki for seeming like a spectacle while Hye-Ja was all but dismissed for never having cared about her anyway. Minki and Hye-Ja stayed in Saskatoon trying to help Justine get things in order, despite it all.
Which became the last mistake Minki made on Canadian soil. He finished paying off his mother's house for her, so her bills would be more modest, subsidized by her own blooming career, and tried to make it to the New Year with her. But she continued to fight with him and Hye-Ja so, two nights before New Years Eve, Minki flew back home with his grandmother. Celebrating with her in Busan could have been worse but all Minki wanted was comfort. It came to him in the first week of the year when back in Seoul on a smaller team now, trying to keep himself in order from the stress of having just lost his father, and running into the gamers again. Though most were awkward, some were kind and Minki even found himself ending up in bed with one; confused, later, but still a nicer night of warmth against someone than he'd had since Hyosub and him had left. NaJin White Shield was a comfortable home in a stressful year; Minki and Hyosub began to be on again and off again, the team placed in several tournaments and earned their keep and name for themselves and, well, Minki tried to grow. It became a problem, to some, how clearly homosexual he was — his long hair and painted nails and odd fashion. Others didn't care, not when he was one of the top substitutes and support players in the league. And Minki, he kept his head down, too overrun with personal life to care.
When the team got into worlds, it was a great thing again — a two time qualifier for the World Tournament was a massive thing for Minki. But they ended up losing in the quarter rounds and ended the season in fifth place. It was on a trip to China to deal with an event and meeting with possible new teams that Minki's life took the worst turn yet. To this day he's unaware if they were boys who'd lost money because of his team having lost or if they just hated what they saw in him, some base attraction on their part, but it didn't really matter. Most of it is black wings of memory from the first rock that hit Minki's head; by the time the last foot he remembers against his face was laid, all he could focus on was the grass underneath him and the animal he thought he saw shifting off in the grass. It seemed impossible but, two days later Minki was awake and in Busan again, being catered to by Hye-Ja and hearing an odd familiar voice at his side.
Hyosub had come, had been the one to cover everything already. There were of course police reports being filed and gaming sites were discussing it — two time qualifier and world's competitor beaten in China was a great story for the geekdom of the world — but they wouldn't be bothering Minki for as long as he could hold them back. And he did all he could for it, even as he questioned constantly how Minki was even remotely alive, let alone looking better by the day. Minki couldn't explain it, chalked it up to some endless hunger at first that was solved later. Annoying wannabe reporters who worked for gaming profiles were easy to ignore but when Safe Haven came through to Minki's grandmother's home it was nothing they could avoid. Minki demanded they speak infront of everyone and so, they all found out together and at once that Minki was believed to be a requite. Gay, pretty and a requite, Hye-Ja laughed in a dark way to them. Life really didn't want to be easy on Minki at all.
No surprise came to Minki at how easily his grandmother accepted it and kept the secret from his brother; his mother had long since stopped even trying to call Minki except for holidays and that was fine by him. The real surprise was Hyosub offering Minki a place to stay through the New Year, instead of living at the Safe Haven. That, that was where Minki's fire came back. If Hyosub could step up and be someone, so could Minki. So, he trained and as awkward as it was, waking up beside Hyosub as a fox some days, as a woman some days, as anything but himself, he managed it. And when it came time to try gaming once more, to be someone, Minki did it bravely: out and open once signed to the GE Tigers. Gay and requited. It was a hassle, a flurry of nonsense that made his time with new teammates difficult at best; they hated that Minki seemed like a publicity stunt and Minki hated that half of them asked him for blowjobs while openly dismissing him. By the time March came around and games began, though, everyone knew he was Choi Ren again.
Never once placing less than top four in any tournament they entered, it came as no surprise when they were bought up by a bigger company and the KOO Tigers ended up in worlds again. Entering an esteemed level of three times invitational, Minki was ecstatic, proving himself as a gamer again despite the backlash over being gay and the constant questioning about his requite. None of it mattered when Minki ended up finding himself on the finals stage again: even when they ended up losing it felt good, it felt right again. And Minki announced on stage with millions watching that he was retiring finally. Which lasted all of a week before he was streaming as a new career and having fun, working on Afreeca TV until the comments became too much. A friend of his had been posting his games on Youtube for him, anyway, and ended up telling Minki about how much of a response they got. The switch then became easy and simple.
Twitch was the best thing he's ever done. Living on display for a few hours a day, building a community with fans and people who even talked to Hyosub the weeks he and Minki were dating, it all seemed right. And though 2016 came to a head with Hyosub the day Minki found out why he'd been trying to avoid being on stream more often, with his other boyfriend out there in Seoul, Minki thrived. Sure, it came with shrinking Hyosub's dick and making a few mistakes on their broken periods anyway but who doesn't fall down here and there? What mattered was that he was okay, that he was himself and life had taken all its blows against him just for him to rise again like a fox poking its head out of grass to watch a group of boys beat another.
His streams grew, expanded in ways that make him more money than tournaments ever did. Coupled with his Youtube money from constant outpouring of videos, Minki became a sensation. The pretty boy with powers who dances, sings, dresses up and destroys people in games for fun. His invitations to the gaming world never ceased, not even for a moment, and things began to feel invincible. Even with Hyosub as a shut off drain for love now and other boys flickering in and out, Minki doesn't feel lonely or ruined. Nothing is broken, nothing is wrong, even when his mother makes some biting remark about how his brother is doing oh so well and he's so respectable. Minki tells her to bite it and ends the call like, well, like the whole world belongs to him. Sure, some days he still feels more fox than human but, mostly, he's glad he saw those red ears as the world faded.
Even if red lipstick still seems completely off limits.
The first few years were simple and routine. A bouncing bundle of joy, the kind that made too much noise some days but brought over toys to strangers as a welcoming to make up for it. The earliest memories that he has are fickle: chasing a dragonfly in a yard he doesn't recall, the red tiling of a roof across the street, the vegetable garden of a neighbor who spoke neither French nor English. The first solid memory is his naming. After a flight he hardly recalls, the family was in Busan with Kim Hye-Ja who, the boys learned, was their grandmother. As the only living grandparent on either side of the family she was important, a structure they had to stick by and it was by her decree that they found themselves with names that did not match: Joonmyeon (handsome and hardworking) and Minki (cleverness and energy). Audrey became a thing Minki only knew in Saskatoon with friends, their nicknames rolling off the tongue every which was. Mink was his name, for the most part; it existed in all his strongest memories, every summer he got to return to Busan to visit with Hyeja.
It was always different for Darren and Audrey; Darren came home from school and did his class work and his chores while Audrey tended to end up getting lost moving from the bus on the corner to their house. Darren played hockey and Audrey, well, he tried and got kicked off the team for breaking the stick against some children in a fight. The only times he behaved properly and accordingly were in Busan. Choi Minki, to everyone, was a completely different child from Choi Audrey. When Rey realized he was gay it was Minki who came out to his grandmother, first, choosing to reveal it to his parents over a phone call. When Rey started to get bullied and locked himself in his bedroom to play video games, it was Minki who was able to still go on hikes in Busan and run through the beach and all its waters. So it came as no surprise when Canada was to be traded out for Korea once high school was over; his parents didn't even bother to argue against the move when they figured maybe it would mean a motivation for their child who otherwise had little going for him besides selfish interests.
They were right, although not in the way they wanted to be.
League of Legends was taking off and while Darrin was off figuring out what field of study he wanted to get into with medicine, Audrey was glued to his computer screen learning the game and, when in Busan later, watching the first World Cup Finals. It was a whole new experience then, freshly graduated, sixteen years of age and thrilled by the energy he could find in gaming cafes and on the internet together. Most of the year, that which wasn't spent graduating and moving to Busan, was spent playing the game and making friends within it. As tough as Hye-Ja could be, a woman who beat left handed young Minki until he was ambidextrous on his trips as a child, she accepted it; he could play his game as long as he liked as long as he worked. And that, that he could do, having already worked at the Cineplex back in Saskatoon. Things were like that, simple enough, an even exchange and because of it Minki adored her far more than he could have his own parents back home.
When he began to grow his hair out and start to dress more effeminate, Hye-Ja had simple remarks: your life is going to be tough like this, so be prepared. When he'd try contacts and nail paint, she'd critique his choices only so far — simple colors are better, reds are for loose women. Without it, Minki never would have been able to end up where he did. It was early 2012 when he was first contacted by the team Maximum Impact Gaming. In search for recruits for a training team for their professional teams they looked for the high ranking members rising the charts hard and fast. Minki, going by Ren as a small nod to his old Rey nickname and his new affection of being a flower boy, joined. It wasn't going to be great paying work but it was work doing something he was anyway and that was great, outside of helping at the market nearby. But MIG Blaze, as the squad was known, weren't there to be quiet. Instead, they worked hard and were eventually bought up off training by a German media group and came to be known by a new moniker: Azubu Blaze. As a team, 2012 became a standout year, winning the MLG Summer Arena, scoring second place in the Korea Regional Finals and some members being contacted by bigger companies. Minki chose to go another way, making his own team for fun named 5CM A Second to play around more with the game.
And there was only one reason for that: Shin Hyosub. They'd met when Minki was having to do a stay in Seoul to build the team together in the gaming house. It was happenstance, really, running into one another literally with Hyosub apologizing to the pretty girl with blonde hair before Minki turned to face him head on with a laugh. They talked, then, Minki cowering just a little with worry of some Seoul boy being violent and his not having a hockey stick to beat him off with but Hyosub was nice, instead. Nice enough that they ended up sitting in the parking lot sipping on slushies and talking long past midnight. The friendship bloomed with Minki using any spare time in Seoul to visit Hyosub and Hyosub — Hyosub even came down to visit Busan, staying with Minki and his grandmother as they laughed and motivated one another. Have more fun, he'd say, it's a game; have more faith in yourself, Minki would say, your music is great. It was surprise and not when the day came that Hyosub and Minki drank together and Minki ended up in his lap.
But it was pure surprise when the next morning when Minki tried to play it off for Hyosub's sake that Hyosub demanded they speak about it, they discuss what this could be. Dating was a slow pace, an awkward thing, but it became easier when Minki was drafted into SKT1 once his 5CM team was bought up and the franchise was dismembered. He had enough money to move to get himself a place in Seoul and he did so; the gaming house was great with everyone else but the small apartment with Hyosub, that was home. They furnished it slowly and stupidly, falling into love with one another at their own pace. Minki's parents were annoyed back home but when his first winnings for the year came in, a cool few thousand dollars, they started to accept it for now. Teenagers had worse jobs that paid far less, anyway. He was allowed to have his fun and his odd romance. And Minki wouldn't have stopped even if they tried to make him, anyway.
In the end, it was for the best; SKT1 went from one of the top teams in Korea, losing a few tournaments in the Spring and Summer drafts, to promoting Minki to team leader and becoming the World Champions in November of the same year with Minki winning Best Support at the 2013 Korean e-Sports Awards. It is still odd how it happened and Minki, he hardly remembers it. The weight of the trophy, the shake of his fingers, the way that Hyosub had taken him that night and everything felt right. Then, it all began to crumble. Hyosub wanted a break from things to focus on his career and Minki came to find out that father had been sick for a while and no one had bothered to actually tell him. When he wound up in the hospital, Minki was woken from his sleep, alarmed and disengaged in Busan all over again. Before Minki could even get proper flights looked at to get back home the second call came in: he was dead and they couldn't get his heart going again. Minki flew home with Hye-Ja for the funeral which, in the end, became a mistake. Justine lost it on Minki for seeming like a spectacle while Hye-Ja was all but dismissed for never having cared about her anyway. Minki and Hye-Ja stayed in Saskatoon trying to help Justine get things in order, despite it all.
Which became the last mistake Minki made on Canadian soil. He finished paying off his mother's house for her, so her bills would be more modest, subsidized by her own blooming career, and tried to make it to the New Year with her. But she continued to fight with him and Hye-Ja so, two nights before New Years Eve, Minki flew back home with his grandmother. Celebrating with her in Busan could have been worse but all Minki wanted was comfort. It came to him in the first week of the year when back in Seoul on a smaller team now, trying to keep himself in order from the stress of having just lost his father, and running into the gamers again. Though most were awkward, some were kind and Minki even found himself ending up in bed with one; confused, later, but still a nicer night of warmth against someone than he'd had since Hyosub and him had left. NaJin White Shield was a comfortable home in a stressful year; Minki and Hyosub began to be on again and off again, the team placed in several tournaments and earned their keep and name for themselves and, well, Minki tried to grow. It became a problem, to some, how clearly homosexual he was — his long hair and painted nails and odd fashion. Others didn't care, not when he was one of the top substitutes and support players in the league. And Minki, he kept his head down, too overrun with personal life to care.
When the team got into worlds, it was a great thing again — a two time qualifier for the World Tournament was a massive thing for Minki. But they ended up losing in the quarter rounds and ended the season in fifth place. It was on a trip to China to deal with an event and meeting with possible new teams that Minki's life took the worst turn yet. To this day he's unaware if they were boys who'd lost money because of his team having lost or if they just hated what they saw in him, some base attraction on their part, but it didn't really matter. Most of it is black wings of memory from the first rock that hit Minki's head; by the time the last foot he remembers against his face was laid, all he could focus on was the grass underneath him and the animal he thought he saw shifting off in the grass. It seemed impossible but, two days later Minki was awake and in Busan again, being catered to by Hye-Ja and hearing an odd familiar voice at his side.
Hyosub had come, had been the one to cover everything already. There were of course police reports being filed and gaming sites were discussing it — two time qualifier and world's competitor beaten in China was a great story for the geekdom of the world — but they wouldn't be bothering Minki for as long as he could hold them back. And he did all he could for it, even as he questioned constantly how Minki was even remotely alive, let alone looking better by the day. Minki couldn't explain it, chalked it up to some endless hunger at first that was solved later. Annoying wannabe reporters who worked for gaming profiles were easy to ignore but when Safe Haven came through to Minki's grandmother's home it was nothing they could avoid. Minki demanded they speak infront of everyone and so, they all found out together and at once that Minki was believed to be a requite. Gay, pretty and a requite, Hye-Ja laughed in a dark way to them. Life really didn't want to be easy on Minki at all.
No surprise came to Minki at how easily his grandmother accepted it and kept the secret from his brother; his mother had long since stopped even trying to call Minki except for holidays and that was fine by him. The real surprise was Hyosub offering Minki a place to stay through the New Year, instead of living at the Safe Haven. That, that was where Minki's fire came back. If Hyosub could step up and be someone, so could Minki. So, he trained and as awkward as it was, waking up beside Hyosub as a fox some days, as a woman some days, as anything but himself, he managed it. And when it came time to try gaming once more, to be someone, Minki did it bravely: out and open once signed to the GE Tigers. Gay and requited. It was a hassle, a flurry of nonsense that made his time with new teammates difficult at best; they hated that Minki seemed like a publicity stunt and Minki hated that half of them asked him for blowjobs while openly dismissing him. By the time March came around and games began, though, everyone knew he was Choi Ren again.
Never once placing less than top four in any tournament they entered, it came as no surprise when they were bought up by a bigger company and the KOO Tigers ended up in worlds again. Entering an esteemed level of three times invitational, Minki was ecstatic, proving himself as a gamer again despite the backlash over being gay and the constant questioning about his requite. None of it mattered when Minki ended up finding himself on the finals stage again: even when they ended up losing it felt good, it felt right again. And Minki announced on stage with millions watching that he was retiring finally. Which lasted all of a week before he was streaming as a new career and having fun, working on Afreeca TV until the comments became too much. A friend of his had been posting his games on Youtube for him, anyway, and ended up telling Minki about how much of a response they got. The switch then became easy and simple.
Twitch was the best thing he's ever done. Living on display for a few hours a day, building a community with fans and people who even talked to Hyosub the weeks he and Minki were dating, it all seemed right. And though 2016 came to a head with Hyosub the day Minki found out why he'd been trying to avoid being on stream more often, with his other boyfriend out there in Seoul, Minki thrived. Sure, it came with shrinking Hyosub's dick and making a few mistakes on their broken periods anyway but who doesn't fall down here and there? What mattered was that he was okay, that he was himself and life had taken all its blows against him just for him to rise again like a fox poking its head out of grass to watch a group of boys beat another.
His streams grew, expanded in ways that make him more money than tournaments ever did. Coupled with his Youtube money from constant outpouring of videos, Minki became a sensation. The pretty boy with powers who dances, sings, dresses up and destroys people in games for fun. His invitations to the gaming world never ceased, not even for a moment, and things began to feel invincible. Even with Hyosub as a shut off drain for love now and other boys flickering in and out, Minki doesn't feel lonely or ruined. Nothing is broken, nothing is wrong, even when his mother makes some biting remark about how his brother is doing oh so well and he's so respectable. Minki tells her to bite it and ends the call like, well, like the whole world belongs to him. Sure, some days he still feels more fox than human but, mostly, he's glad he saw those red ears as the world faded.
Even if red lipstick still seems completely off limits.
not ashamed to say i cried for you
The death of Seungcheol changed everything. Though Minki came to hardly speak of it in time, he kept in touch with Seungcheol's family through all things. The wars, the change in career, everything; he's never been able to shake himself fully of the loss that collapse his heart and though he does his best not to let it become a void, he never learned to do much to let it become a scar either. Giving up streaming, he moved to London to attend Parsons for two years time, trying his best to actually make his way through to a degree before giving up. It was bullshit; every student, every professor, they drove into him nails that he would have sooner turned around into their throats than try to swallow down. But they gave him a foundation and, with the right people he met, Minki got his first job helping with costuming on a science fiction show that lasted a year. It wasn't great, but hey — work in your industry is work all the same.
And it did lead to more, enough work on different off set plays and productions that Minki actually got to open his own costume shop: Fancy Tails, a shop specializing in custome designs for fantastic productions. Between work with a certain American-based production company and pieces for his best friend's summer extravaganzas, it's been pretty good business so far, not that he has to worry with the money coming in from Soft Notes LTD.
And it did lead to more, enough work on different off set plays and productions that Minki actually got to open his own costume shop: Fancy Tails, a shop specializing in custome designs for fantastic productions. Between work with a certain American-based production company and pieces for his best friend's summer extravaganzas, it's been pretty good business so far, not that he has to worry with the money coming in from Soft Notes LTD.
